Weekend update.

I've successfully sanded the floors of my house and today I am hoping to stain them!  I gave myself three weekends to do it, and this is the second, so I'm way ahead of schedule.  If I get all the staining done today, I bet I can seal it all up tomorrow.  So.. if any of you have doubted whether or not you could pull off a project like this, know you can, because I was able to.  I am NOT very handy, but this was very manageable.

I forgot to take my camera with me to get some before shots, but I have a few past pictures I took when I first was looking at the house.  I'll post them up here soon so you can see what it was pre-sand, after being sanded, and then the completed process.

I've scheduled a "painting party" on May 1st and have invited any friends who like home projects.  I'm hoping to have all the paint picked out by then, and it will be fun to blast music in the house, provide snacks and drinks, and get my house bright and colorful.

I still don't think it has fully hit me that I OWN this house.  I keep thinking it will, but until I move my bed in and sleep there the first night, not sure if it's going to feel like mine.

Other updates...

My boyfriend is going to chef school!  He'll be attending the Art Institute of Indianapolis, classes start in late summer.  I know this is going to be a perfect fit for him, and a perfect fit for me because I LOVE FOOD.  I bet it will be a battle being a vegetarian though, because I'm sure he'll learn all about the "proteins" of dishes and a lot will probably involve meat of some kind.  I'm going to rely on him to make creative alternatives for me so I can try them as he learns his skills.

It sounds like a really great program because they apply everything directly to the chef career and restaurant management.  The math and English classes all gear towards how you would use those skills as a chef.  We toured the building and it's very cool, and they even have a student-run restaurant where they can practice their skills.

Other updates...

So I went to someone about my anxiety/depression issues.  Last year I hit some really low points and was crying practically every day, so I ended up being recommended for Lexapro.  I've always been reluctant about medicating myself, but like I said in an earlier post, there is no reason why I shouldn't give these problems as much weight and importance as any other physical ailment.  I am pro-medication if someone reaches a point in their life when everything is negatively affected by their thought processes, and every day activities become unmanageable and stressful.  That was the point I was at.  In the mornings, driving to school, my chest would physically hurt from the stress I was feeling and I would feel my heart pounding through my chest.  It was awful.

So, yes, I took Lexapro, and it helped me immensely.  In general, everything in my life felt more manageable.  Without it, something bad would happen and I would immediately get into a mindset of thinking about every other things going wrong in my life.  But on the medicine, I didn't overthink the issue and was more rational.  I was able to step back and say, "Okay, that wasn't the best, but so what."  I didn't take things so personally and in general, was more carefree.  I felt more like myself.

You are probably wondering why I stopped.  Well, after the first school year ended, and summer came, I did want to see if I'd be okay if I wasn't in the daily work environment.  As much as I wanted to give in to the idea of taking a pill to change my brain, I still didn't want to have to rely on something to do that for me.  I'm stubborn, so I stopped taking it.  Also, as much as it made me feel better, it wasn't helping my relationship.  They say some people get the side effect of being less touchy-feely, and in general being less interested in the physical aspects of a relationship.  I was, and it was frustrating.

So I stopped taking it.  I weened off of it, and for awhile I think I was okay.  But after awhile, I noticed the things coming out of my mouth were more negative than positive.  I noticed myself whining more, and being more defensive.  Dyke and I fought more, and some of it was the fact that I took things way too personally, and also held things in and then they'd explode out of me and make a big mess.  I wanted to deny it, I kept telling myself I was strong enough to control my thought processes and change my emotions.  But I eventually realized that it was no longer negatively affecting me, but affecting the people I cared about.  I didn't want that to happen.

But I didn't want to go the same route I'd taken before, because of the side effects.  Recently, a family member of mine went in and found out they had the characteristics of Adult ADD.  My dad heard about it and told me he thought I should get assessed.  He says he's seen me have the characteristics all my life, through my constant forgetting, the continuous rush I have in doing anything in front of me, the procrastination, and the anxiety I get when all of it becomes too much.

I went in and talked to someone, and when I go through a list like that, and when I actually talk about how I live, it really does sound exhausting.  He asked me if I was able to relax, and really, not very often.  Yes, I take breaks, and yes, I sit on my arse and do nothing, but my mind is never at rest, even when I'm doing that.  I can only relax if there is absolutely nothing on my to do list, which is rare.  I always feel guilty about it.  He said, "That must be exhausting."  It is.

I played Devil's Advocate when I was in his office, and asked him, "Well, how can I be super efficient at school, and be successful and organized and get things done... but when I get home, nothing is organized and I get overwhelmed with the daily tasks outside of my job?"  He said it's because of pressure and motivation.  I'm always feeling the pressure to get things done at work, I've always got that adrenaline pumping and there is always a task to do that very moment.  At home, that rush is not the same.  Keeping up with the mundane tasks is never in-the-moment necessity, and I completely falter when it comes to doing something when it's not of immediate importance.

Again, I'll be Devil's Advocate.  I totally understand why there a number of people reading this that think, well, Kelly, I'm like that too.  No one likes the mundane tasks, and everyone feels pressure at work.  I get grumpy and take it out on people too, we all do that.  And yes, I understand that.  But again, if it gets to a point where it is holding you back from living your life, and holding you back from feeling like the YOU you know you could be if you only felt better, then I've decided I support medical treatment.

The family member who told me about the Adult ADD told me the other day over breakfast, "Kelly, ever since I got treated for this I haven't been depressed a single moment."  Because the medication calms him down, he's able to focus more and complete things without that need for the rush.  Because he's able to complete things more, he's less stressed.  Because he's less stressed, he's less depressed.  The connection with Adult ADD and depression is clear, because anxiety is a catalyst for depression.

So I'm trying an Adult ADD treatment: Adderall.  It's a small dose, and I'm going to see how it goes.  They say that you can tell if it's working right if you feel normal, and not jittery or rushed to do things.  Those who do not actually have ADD symptoms will get jittery because it's an overdose of amphetamine.  If it works right, I should feel more calm and myself than anything.  If I feel out of my element, and off, I'll know it's not for me.

I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

Also, I know there are some of you who may still be reluctant about the idea of medication... seeing it as the "easy way out" and an unnatural, inorganic option.  And part of me will always feel that way I think, but I think most of it is stubbornness.  I need to admit that I need outside help... and I do.  Really, it's about individual choice.  So I ask that you support me through this process and not condemn me for relying on something other than myself to make my life more enjoyable and manageable.

Thanks for reading this ginormous long email.  Love you all!

Peace,

Kelly