Getting real, again.

Awhile back I wrote a post titled "Getting Real" where I basically went through a bunch of things I WISH I liked, but really don't.

I think I continue to battle with myself over who I am. There is a type of person I really wish I was, but I've got to face reality and start loving me for me. Here is another list of things I wish were true about my personality that aren't (Doing this is very therapeutic, you should try it. It helps you accept yourself a bit more.)

I wish I was the type of person who...

• ... liked living in the city. As you know, I've been house hunting. While I absolutely love the look of the houses in the city, when I go with my gut I think I would much rather live just outside it. After all, I come into the city to work, and I think I'd like a more quiet place to go at the end of the day. Also, I like it when there is a bit more space between the houses. I'm not ready for super-suburbia just yet, but I recently found a house that is just outside the chaos, but still part of Indianapolis. It's a cute little bungalow that is a good size for me, and I'm going to back and check it out again this week. We'll see. (The nice thing about Indianapolis is that the city is super accessible, so if I WANT the city life one night, it's only a hop away.)



• ...had a type B personality. For a long time in my life I convinced myself that I was an easy-going, go-with-the-flow, peace-love, tree-hugging, free-spirited soul. I think I started realizing I wasn't when I was in college. My friends would all tell me I was kind of uptight and super defensive at times, and I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I've calmed down a lot since then, but I still: have to keep busy, like being in control of everything I'm asked to do, want things a certain way, get antsy when things don't turn out how I want them to, struggle with relaxation, get anxious over little every day things. (I'm not SO uptight that my house is super clean all the time though... that's my one vice. I have too much crap and my room is messy often. So I'm not a SUPER A personality, but I definitely lean in that direction).
  
  



• ...could be vegan. I'm totally comfortable now with the vegetarian lifestyle, but since I always want to be the best, I really want to be vegan. BUT CHEESE JUST TASTES TOO DAMN GOOD. And BUTTER man. REAL BUTTER.

• ... didn't care what other people think of me. But I do, I definitely do. Sometimes, I think I'm still at a level of the paranoia and insecurity of a girl in middle school. When I do something wrong or something I think others won't approve of, I start to obsess over the reactions people will have. I build up an idea that they are all talking about me behind my back. And the thing is, it's always about stupid stuff: "Can you believe Miss Hannon took an extra five minutes on her lunch break? I can't believe it. What a selfish bitch." Also, when I strayed from Catholicism and decided to disconnect myself a bit from the religion, I thought all my Catholic friends were going to start seeing me as a heathen. So dumb. And what is funny about all this, is that I've learned to be a very forgiving person. I always give people more and more chances, including my students, so why can't I forgive myself? I'm working on it.



• .... didn't watch television so much. This year I purposefully didn't subscribe to any cable because later in life I didn't want to look back at my life, and realize I spent too much of it on the couch watching a box. Unfortunately, a lot of shows are now online these days, and my older sister introduced me to surfthechannel.com, and that got me back to my old ways (not blaming you, Caitlin!). Now I find myself watching a lot of shows I normally wouldn't if I didn't have access to them. Here's the thing, I like shows. I really like good acting, and these days I think we actually have a lot of great acting on television. It's like a work of fiction being put into action, and I appreciate it. Yes, I also do watch my dumb shows as well (I love Ghost Hunters, because it is the only thing that can slightly get me scared anymore). But oh well! I like TV! Deal with it.



• ...could speak as well as I write. I feel like when I write, things come out a lot easier than when I try to put it into words with my voice. Just this week I led an orientation for the tutors that will be coming to volunteer at our school. I made sure I was super prepared, but when I got up there I felt like I was fumbling over my words. I couldn't, for the life of me, get out what I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say it. I still did fine, but I wish I had been a bit more charismatic and natural. It will come in time. It's the first time I led the orientation, but I know it will get easier. This is also the reason why I don't like to get in conversational debates, because if I WROTE DOWN what I was trying to say, I could do much better. When I have to verbally state my opinion and argument, I get so caught up in organizing how to say it that it doesn't come out right, and I never win.



• ... was more suave and sexy. I tend to be a little loud and clumsy, or super awkward. I tend to make a lot of noise when I walk around, and I breathe loud sometimes without realizing it. Luckily I've found a guy that totally gets that, and still sees other qualities in me, too. But I still struggle with reacting in a smooth way when I get hit on. I want to politely leave the conversation and let them know that I'm not interested in smooth way, but instead, when someone tries something on me I tend to laugh a lot, not look them in the eye, get red in the face, and start avoiding them. Then I just seem weird (or is this another one of my paranoid assumptions?)



• ... could finish projects only because of self-motivation. It seems anything I start doesn't get finished unless there is another person in the picture waiting for it to happen. I've started dozens of projects, and in particular, writing projects. I would love to actually write a full novel, or a David Sedaris-esque collection of my life experiences, but I get so caught up in the day-to-day that it doesn't happen. Maybe I'll use my blog to start writing those reflections, and in the future, I can compile them all. What do you think?

To end this "Getting Real" entry, I'm going to show a clip from one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City called "The Real Me." It's the last part of the episode, and I'll give a little set up to let you know what was going on:

• Carrie is asked to get out of her comfort zone and be a model in a fashion show.



• Miranda goes on a date with a guy who calls her "sexy," and because of that, gets carried away with the idea. On her second date she tries too hard to be "sexy" and it ends badly



• Samantha tries to face reality in accepting her body by getting some naked pictures taken of herself.



• Charlotte has a fear of looking at herself "down there."
  
  
  
  
  
  Peace,
  
  Kelly