Selflessness vs. Selfishness

Lately I've had a major battle with myself, and some of the people around me have been pulled into it.  
 
I don't know how much selfishness is appropriate, and I don't know how selfless I can be without getting walked on.  Or, is it right to let myself get walked on?  How much is too much, on either side of the equation?

I grew up afraid to ever do anything wrong or make anyone mad.  I also grew up Catholic.  I didn't even take God's name in vain until 7th grade on the playground, and I remember thinking that a bolt of lightening was going to come down and kill me at that very moment.  Besides having this constant fear of breaking the rules, I also convinced myself that I was not as important as anyone else.

There is a quote in the Bible that states, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Phillipines 2:3).  Basically, I grew up thinking that if I ever did something out of my own selfishness that I was 1) a horrible person, 2) I would go to Hell.  Plus, I ingrained an idea into my mind that to this day is hard to get out: Everyone else is better and more deserving than I am.  On the rare occasion that I did speak up or do something for myself, I'd immediately beat myself up mentally and pray constantly for forgiveness... until I felt I had punished myself enough.

I'm not sitting here blaming my Catholic upbringing.  I loved my upbringing and I loved my school and I loved my childhood.  My former religion was not the sole influence in my life, but it was one of many.  For whatever reason, a combination of factors led me to the childhood belief that it was better to shut-up, be quiet, and not cause a fuss... whether or not I was hurt or screwed over in the process.

But now it's gone to the other extreme, and I feel like lately I've been too selfish in my thoughts and actions.  Or am I just paranoid?  I DON'T KNOW!

I've rebelled so much against the idea of doing everything for everyone else, that I've become so attentive and watchful when someone doesn't go out of their way to do something for me. It's awful, and it's turning me bitter.  As much as I try not to, I practically keep a points system in my head that keeps track of how much my boyfriend does for me and how much I do for him.  It's not healthy to think that way... but at the same time, in past relationships I didn't ever speak up enough and pretty much let the other people take complete control of the relationship and the definition of it.  

I don't want that again, but I also don't want to be walked on again.  So how do I find a happy medium?  I want to be confident, strong in my convictions, proud of who I am, and treated with respect... but at the same time I still NEVER want to hurt anyone else and NEVER want to cause problems.  That is the issue right there.

I think I have to accept that if I stick to my guns and be who I want to be, there will be some people who don't like it.  I have to accept that, but that is the hardest part.  I hate hurting other people, and I hate having enemies.  

Several times in my life I've said to myself, "Screw it!  You will have enemies and that is a part of life.  Be yourself, be respectful, but be strong."  It lasts for maybe a week or a month, and then I go back to apologizing for too many things and staying out of debates for fear of offending someone.

I seem to go between two extremes that keep going back and forth: Super-defensive-watching-her-back-doing-only-what-she-wants-Kelly vs. Super-compliant-apologetic-forgiving-peacemaker-Kelly.

Maybe I just think too much.  Maybe I should just listen to this guy:
  
"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anways." - Elbert Hubbard.


Peace,
Kelly