Blaaaaaah.

Yes, that's how I feel. Blaaaaaah. I'm not sick, I'm not necessarily depressed, I'm just blaaaaaah. I think it's because of the change in the weather.

It is fall, and I like fall. But after fall comes winter, and during winter we all get to wake up when it is still dark outside. The sun isn't around as much, which leads me to one word: BRRR! Every year I try to prove mother nature wrong by refusing to wear a jacket or coat for as long as possible, just to convince her I'm not susceptible to her ways. Unfortunately, she always wins.

So, maybe that's why I'm Blaaaaaah. Or maybe it is that every year I always take on way too much, and then near the end of the first semester it all slaps me in the face, saying, "What were you thinking?!?!" I'm so busy now that I can't even take a proper lunch break. Today a student was running to the media center to print some research, and she volunteered to heat up my lunch in the microwave while she was in there. That's a sign that I need to get out more.

My teacher friends barely see me in the hallway anymore, and they ask me where I've been. I need to start giving my room a name. Any suggestions? The cave? The black hole? The vacuum?

It's not that I don't like what I do. It's that I have a problem deciding to just dedicate myself to ONE thing. Instead, I want to be Supergirl and be able to do EVERYTHING I'm interested in and still see super successful results in every task I take on. It's silly. I'm NOT Supergirl. I'm Kelly.

I went to a career guidance company near the end of last year because I was completely lost and confused about where my life was going. I was only 23 and I was already having a life crisis. Take life a bit too seriously, Kelly?! The first thing the guy said when he was coming to talk to me about his findings was:

"You are way too self-critical, and you will always be that way. It's in your nature."

He basically told me that whenever I do anything, I want it to always turn out exactly the way I want it to turn out. If it doesn't, I'm not satisfied. But I'll NEVER be satisfied, because that's not how life works! I think I'm still partially in denial about this fact, because maybe that's why I take on so much at once. Maybe I think that if I dive into lots of projects at once, the "inadequate" results I see will compensate for one another and become one fabulous big accomplishment.

That doesn't even make sense. How do I come up with this crap?

Anyhoo, I think this overworking is affecting me because now I'm coming home and totally zoning out into either a state of eating, a state of watching a show on my computer, or both. Then I get tired from all that exhausting laziness, and then I don't have the energy to get caught up in all the stuff I'm trying to do (Yes, if you sit or sleep for a long time, it can actually make you more sleepy or tired. Sad, isn't it?).

Basically, I think the problem comes down to one word: CONFIDENCE. One of my friends said to me this week, "Kelly, you just need to be more confident. Stop beating yourself up."

I'll try, but I'm so used to the bruises.